No matter where I go if the subject of online dating comes up it never fails. Almost every woman will complain about how horrible it is. While there are a litany reasons given. The main reason is typically predictable. Apparently, men are only looking for one thing online. We all know what that one this is, don’t we?
Now usually in a vain attempt to be funny and charming, I would normally reply with a smartass answer. For example “free two-day shipping?” Or my personal favorite “Are they looking for something else offline? This, of course, goes over really well and works as intended. I am quite charming when I want to be. At least that’s what I tell myself anyway.
However when I am done being charming and a serious conversation ensues. I am left with one prevailing thought after so many of these conversations. Women think men have it easy when it comes to online dating. Well, that is a complete fallacy. Please allow me to introduce to how dating goes for men online.
Our first woman is incredibly gorgeous. We will call her Stacy. Stacy looks 25 even though she is 40 years old. Even her profile description is awesome. She loves sex and needs it daily! She prefers to hang with the guys instead of the girls. The last thing she wants to is to discuss is her feelings at the end of the day. She rather talk about last night’s game instead. Tired of meeting men that are all talk and no action, she’s even included her email in her profile because she is tired of being single and alone.It’s time to get serious about finding someone she explains. You can reach her at yourareafuckingdumbass@gmail.com That’s because Stacy’s real name is Gideon Okorie. He lives in Nigeria and the only thing he wants is your credit card number. Don’t worry if you don’t like blondes. The exact profile can be found in one of every six profiles. Jill and Lisa are natural redheads and Bonny and Tina have naturally brown hair. Gideon is a bit of a whore I must say. He gets around! Don’t worry if you don’t get a response right away. Gideon has 250 others suckers to get to before he gets to your email. Gideon finds patience and confidence sexy in a sucker.
Now after you called the bank to cancel the credit card and you received your new one in the mail. You have decided to try your luck again. This time you have decided to upgrade to the paid version to avoid these malicious scammers that took advantage of your overly inflated ego. This time you are going to be smart about things. You’re going to be cautious and let the women come to you.
After a couple of days, your phone tells you got a new message from Brenda waiting. She is good looking but looks her natural age. You like her already and don’t even bother looking at her profile because you already like the way she looks. So what’s the point of doing that you think to yourself?
So with much anticipation, you open up the message. Only find that it’s in all caps and it says that she knows you and you’re a scumbag for cheating on your wife. Which is perplexing because you did not know you were even married. Hopefully, you think this a case of mistaken identity and just look like some married guy she knows. So you try to tell her this over several messages and your reward for doing so is more insults and grief from her. In the end, you have yo block Brenda because she is a complete whack job! It’s either that or it’s really Gideon pissed you canceled the credit card already.
After several days of being frustrated, you decide to get back in the game and try again. You end up talking with Marcy. Things go well at first. The conversation flows naturally you’re and enjoying talking to her. You allow yourself get excited about the possibilities. You seem to click. So much so you exchange numbers and move on to texting. Next thing you know 3 hours have passed by and the conversation is still going strong. Then she mentions that she has to spend tomorrow making a kitty litter cake for a retiring colleague at work. Then you make the disastrous mistake of telling her you don’t like cake. Which makes you apparently, a fucking loser and gets your number blocked. As maddening as this was at the time. Looking back it was probably for the best. One shudders to think what would have happened if should found out I like Pepsi over Coke.
Not be deterred by this last disappointment you press on. Finally, you meet Tracy. Almost instantly you’re talking and texting on the phone for a couple of weeks. You both are acting like a couple of high schools kids who are just happy they found each other. Tracy has everything you want in a woman. She is smart as hell, successful and is quite beautiful. She has been single for over half a year from a 12-month bad relationship. In fact, it’s the worst relationship she has ever had. You listen to a litany of transgressions of what was wrong. He was lousy in bed. He smoked and she hates smokers. He was always miserable. Her kids loathed him. This list just goes on and on. It got so bad she even had to get restraining order him. You think you’re getting lucky finally. You can do better than this guy on your worse day and still look like prince charming.
The only thing you don’t like about this woman is that she lives 50 minutes away from you. Not ideal but you would drive as many hours as it took for the right woman. So on the way to meet her for your first official date the drive is the last thing on your mind. Until 45 minutes into the drive you get a text from her that says “Sorry I guess I am getting back together with the ex” Like it’s something she has no say in.
After all, she has told you about him you think this might be a joke. So you ask if she is being serious? Which she explains how he showed up and cried and begged her to him back. Plus how sincere he was. Like you really fucking care if he was sincere or not. So in the moment, you do the only smart thing you have done in the last month. Delete her phone number and the dating site.
Because after just a month of online dating. You had your credit card compromised, been called scumbag and a loser. Not to mention ignoring all red flags and your basic instincts just because you wanted something to happen so badly you purposely ignored them. You will have to excuse me ladies if I don’t feel bad for you if the worst thing you have to put up with is few perverts and couple of dick pics. Consider yourself lucky!
I do have a shiny new credit card, however. There is that a least.
(The entire post is satire just case anybody wants to take it seriously)
Keith Ashwood
December 4, 2017 @ 8:11 am
Thank you for making me laugh. Very entertaining although probably some grains of truth in there based on what I hear about online dating.
December 4, 2017 @ 8:39 am
Gotta say – this gave me a giggle. I couldn’t be happier that my days of online/Tinder dating are over. Sometimes you can never say the right thing!
December 4, 2017 @ 9:49 am
I love your writing style – super personable! Although I don’t think women assume men have it easy online dating. I think everyone who is online dating knows it’s not easy for anyone hahaha.
December 5, 2017 @ 12:12 pm
you had me laughing esp when I thought…. well what do they want off line and then read it! but isn’t this the truth of what happens though.
December 9, 2017 @ 5:37 am
Nice one thanks for sharing it..!
December 9, 2017 @ 5:38 am
Your selected article was unique nobody written like great article thank you for sharing.
December 9, 2017 @ 11:06 am
hahaha Keith, this post made me laugh.
I’ll admit I’m one of those moaners that say “men only want one thing on dating sites”. Its true though for the most of them, I mean if it wasn’t they probably would have given Stacy a miss 😉
December 9, 2017 @ 2:58 pm
This was very entertaining and a nice read, thank you for sharing.
December 9, 2017 @ 3:07 pm
Informative… 😀 i have to say as a man i have a lot of friends … i mean girls which i met online and never thought of what everyone does 😉 … that’s when i was younger of course …
December 10, 2017 @ 4:32 am
Enjoyed reading your writing. It makes me laugh. Thanks for sharing insight of online dating that I’m not familiar with
December 10, 2017 @ 6:58 am
This was quite funny I must say. I good read to start the day the proper way. I have tried Tinder once but lost interest pretty quickly!
December 10, 2017 @ 10:59 am
Great post! You had me giggling for sure. Honestly I didn’t realize that dating is so difficult for men. And thank goodness I’ve just don’t have to worry about that!
December 10, 2017 @ 3:30 pm
I love your style of writing. I don’t have experience with online dating, however, my friends are constantly talking about their negative experiences. I imagine things like this really do happen 😉
December 10, 2017 @ 4:30 pm
This was hilarious!!! I’ve never done a dating site (unless you count MySpace back in the day…which kinda was, if you think about it! 🤔) Sorry for all the men out here who got caught up with Nigerian scams and psychos! 😂😂😂
December 10, 2017 @ 5:16 pm
this is funny but indeed that’s somehow a reality. In the world where internet connects everyone anyone can hide their identity and its hard to know the personality of one person if you have never met him/her.
December 10, 2017 @ 6:20 pm
You made it really fun to read, altough I know it is super frustrating. I am happy these days are so over for me, if I start with stories about guys I talked on line, it would a material for a book. So about 8 ago, after many frustrations I decided to close my dating profile. Before doing so, I decided to check my mail box for the last time, just in case. There was an interesting message I responded to and, you know what? We have been together since, he is my husband now, so miracles do happen and I am very picky woman. Good luck in the future!
December 10, 2017 @ 11:38 pm
Online dating is a gamble and have many challenges but thats the fun of it. When you overcome those, it will be worth it.
December 11, 2017 @ 1:12 am
This post made me chuckle. Anything could happen in online dating though.
December 11, 2017 @ 8:09 pm
I enjoyed reading this post it was really fun :D… I never knew much about online dating it was interesting to know all about it 😀
December 11, 2017 @ 11:20 pm
Online world can be confusing!
December 12, 2017 @ 5:21 am
It was interesting for me to read this. Great article!
December 12, 2017 @ 6:43 am
Everyone needs to stay away from such sites. Period!
Where good things can come your way, I have heard more bad experiences from dating sites!
December 12, 2017 @ 8:50 am
Love your writing style and enjoyed this post a lot! I don’t have online dating experiences, but I can image what can happen!
December 13, 2017 @ 12:41 am
Your writing pulled me right on into this super funny post. The woes of dating….
December 13, 2017 @ 4:36 pm
Lol this is funny and has so much truth behind it!
December 14, 2017 @ 10:05 pm
You are fun you made me laugh. It was much needed after the long day I have had. Thank you:) Keep up the great work.
December 15, 2017 @ 9:35 am
I’m so old school that I could not relate to much of what was said here. Although you did a good job of drawing a picture in my mind of what the world of online dating looks like. I’m sure such occurrences are rare….Bah,hahahaha! Perhaps not.
December 15, 2017 @ 8:17 pm
Hmmmmmmm . . . all I’m looking for is a woman with whom I can have a good conversation. It’s nice to know that’s what every other guy wants.
As far as being scammed, I don’t really do online dating, but I used to. I sniffed out the scammers and even went so far as to get their information and then report them to the police.
Tip: The police can’t do anything for you if you give them the money. You have to keep your head on straight and call the police first.
December 16, 2017 @ 7:19 am
Great writing style and I don’t envy anyone trying to find a partner or a relationship these days, online dating I image is really hard for both sexes, I’ve never had to do it and hopefully won’t need to
Laura x
December 16, 2017 @ 8:57 pm
OMG, I have some hilarious (and horrendous) stories about online dating. It’s the WORST! The kitty litter cake made me laugh!
December 16, 2017 @ 8:59 pm
That part of the story was the only one I did not have to make up. That actually happened years ago. I never forgot it.
December 30, 2017 @ 10:02 am
I can believe every single word. I think I know those girls.
🙂 gwingal