Eros and other forms of discontent
Self-esteem came and went during the course of my divorce. One of the bazillion questions I had for myself was, “who would be interested in a 45-year-old mother of three”? The answer to that question came with a subscription to an online dating service.
In the midst of my divorce, I made a bad decision. I decided to set up an online dating account.I didn’t set it up to actually date anyone, I just wanted to get a gauge of the market so to speak. My profile boasted next to no information, outside of age and location, with a generic woman’s profile where a picture should be. I perused male profiles that fell into my bracket and did see a few of interest, but I was not there to make contact. I was strictly an observer, or so I told myself.
Within hours of setting up this blank account, the winks and messages started flowing in. All of the unearned attention made me feel relieved that perhaps there was a second chance for me after all. With that mission accomplished, I stopped checking the page because I was in no place to date anyone, I was too busy dating myself for Pete’s sake. Then, an unsolicited message popped into my inbox from one of the guys whose profile I had mentally marked as “post-divorce datable”. That message started an all-day chat that leads to email and picture exchange. I won’t deny that it was fun to have male attention, the kind of attention that in the past had been tinged with verbal abuse and addiction.
Now, for some reason, with this person that I did not know, the attention seemed somehow purer. Over the course of two weeks, I began to look forward to his emails and questions. It was exhilarating to have someone that seemed interested in ME as opposed to what I could do for him. At some point, we began to discuss the difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. This has always been a tough concept for me, so I asked him “what do you think the difference is between loving and being IN love?” What followed was the eloquent and sweet response “Well, loving someone is loving them for the way they are, maybe how you get along with them, that they have sacrificed for you or loving them because they are a good person, provider, have great qualities, and make you happy. Being IN love with someone, I’ve found, is completely different. It’s soul etching. It’s thinking with one brain and being the same person. Knowing that no matter what, there’s nobody you would rather be with than this person. You want to be wrapped up completely in their soul forever.”
Just WOW! I had told my good friend that my ex and I never really talked. Our “conversations” were always a download of information from him to me. I told her that before I had a post-divorce physical orgasm, I wanted to have a conversational orgasm. Well, his description of IN love just about punched the ticket!
Unfortunately, we did not get the chance to etch on each others’ souls (more on that in the next blog), but his words stay with me. When I think back on my past loves, the ones that I believe could have marked me from the inside out, I can see I pulled away, I was scared. If someone marks your soul, they also own your emotions, and I have always been hesitant to give anyone that kind of control over me. From this perspective, it’s harder to blame my ex completely for our issues. I chose him partly for his inability to mark me as his.
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To the would-be soul etcher: